Have you ever been walking down a dark street, possibly through an alleyway, only to be accosted by a gang of punk rockers? They would be sporting mohawks (too wide and never properly shaved) and possibly some glitter makeup or lightning bolts on their faces scrawled in eyeliner. Out flicks a switchblade, and they demand your wallet. A cheesy soundtrack blares from a boombox, framing the entire scenario. The songs are brutal, fast, nihilistic, and hilarious.
A staple of (mostly) 1980s film and television, the archetype thug punker and the accompanying music are unforgettable. Sometimes central to the plot, sometimes not, but always entertaining. I’ve done my best to compile a short list of my favorite fake punk rock songs. Extra points because these were composed specifically for the projects, giving us a Hollywood interpretation of what was supposed to be punk. All the depictions are spot on and 100% accurate.
“Next Stop Nowhere” - Mayhem
From the television show Quincy, ME (1982), our title character investigates the death of a teenager at a punk rock gig. Quincy is appalled by the senseless carnage he finds, especially the lead act, Mayhem. If you were to go out tonight to a local club and pay your $25— or whatever the fuck they are charging for gigs these days— and suffer through every single opening band, none would be as listenable as Mayhem. The song is a pretty tight anthem of disaffection. And you will NEVER find a look more punk than the duel pigtails on the top of the singer’s head. Poseurs beware.
“I Dig Pain” - Pain
If I were pressed to name the greatest actor of my entire generation, William Forsythe would easily top the list. He ranks only slightly behind Harry Dean Stanton. In an episode of CHiPs (1982), Forsythe plays Thrasher, frontman of the hardcore band Pain. They are just as antisocial, but far more dangerous-looking than Mayhem. It’s easy to assume that Pain was modeled after the legendary band Fear. Pain disrupts a local “Battle of the Bands” before Ponch & John intervene, thwart the evil plot, and boogie down to some real music: Disco.
“I Hate You” - Edge of Etiquette
In Star Trek IV (1986), while voyaging home, Captain Kirk and Co. make a pit stop in modern-day San Francisco. While riding a bus, they encounter what every San Franciscan is most concerned about: an annoying punk rocker, playing his music way too loud. It’s another killer song composed by studio musicians. Like the previous entries, it contains no social commentary or political soapboxing. Just unbridled frustration and rage. Spock is offended and promptly Vulcan grips the punk into oblivion. I would have loved to see Nimoy run rampant in the age of cell phones and Bluetooth speakers. Now THAT would be entertaining.
“Pulling on the Boots” - John Clifford White
The film Romper Stomper (1992) has Russell Crowe leading a gang of neo-Nazi skinheads, running rampant in Melbourne. They live like the biggest losers on the planet, a far cry from the pillars of racial superiority they claim to be. It’s a great and brutal film that is scored by some of the most authentic studio-created punk to ever grace the screen. Attempting to replicate the sounds of RAC Oi bands like Skrewdriver or Skullhead, White (appropriately named) gets the sound pretty close. I remember this soundtrack making the rounds among many punks when it came out years ago.
Honorable Mention: “Slip Into the Crowd” - 39 Steps
In the nearly perfect Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), a neurotic Mickey Sachs takes the black sheep sister of his ex-wife, Holly, out on a date. This is one of the greatest scenes ever put to film. The band and song are both authentic, but this one had to be included.
