Friday, November 21, 2025
Fake Punk Rock is Punk as Fuck
Tuesday, November 18, 2025
The Non-racist Tracks of Johnny Rebel
Clifford Joseph Trahan, known the world over as Johnny Rebel, cemented his place in musical infamy with a series of recordings made in the turbulent 1960s. As the kids say, if you know, you know. These records might be considered offensive to some readers and funny to others. Some may find them to be both at the same time. Whatever the case, they have already been extensively written about far better than I can do, so I’ll keep that part of his career brief.
From 1966 to 1970, he cut several singles on the Reb Rebel label out of Crowley, Louisiana. After a few listens, one might have a moment and say, “Holy smokes, these songs are racist!” Mr. Trahan/Rebel would later claim to have never been a member of the Ku Klux Klan or any such organization and was only trying to cash in on the tumultuous times, recording what he referred to as “party records.” The records fell into obscurity only to later be revived by bootleg recordings, The Howard Stern Show, and, even later, internet music file-sharing sites and YouTube. I first heard these songs as a high school freshman on a tape that sounded like a dub of a dub of a dub. Trahan would never perform these songs live and would resume his attempted career as a recording artist. And goddamn, if he didn’t lay down some bangers! Here, I present to you my favorite non-racist tracks cut by Johnny Rebel. All were recorded under various pseudonyms.
“The Garden Song” Filthy McNasty (no release date available)
A playful yarn about a man feuding with his neighbor. After settling the score by sneaking into his garden to stomp, defecate, and masturbate on his nemesis’s vegetables, he goes home to discover said neighbor bedding down with his wife. This song is toe-tapping funny, containing such lines as: “I fucked up his eatin’ and he ate up my fuckin’…”
“Pop Top Cans” Johnny Blaine (1969)
What country singer would be worth a shit without recording a good ol’ fashioned drinking song? This number tells the tale of a hard-working, heartbroken man looking to drown his sorrows in some cold suds. This song would not seem at all out of place being sung by other honky tonkers like Faron Young, Vernon Oxford, or Conway Twitty.
“Keep A Workin’ Big Jim” Johnny Rebel (1967)
Trahan’s ode to New Orleans District Attorney and OG crackpot Jim Garrison. Garrison was the only person to ever bring an indictment against someone for conspiring to murder President John F. Kennedy. The shoddy case against Louisiana businessman Clay Shaw would end in an acquittal and forever mar Garrison’s reputation, tagging him as a corrupt nutjob. Written two years before Shaw’s trial and 23 years before Oliver Stone would immortalize the case in a wacky and wildly entertaining movie.
“Black Magic” Jericho Jones (1959)
It’s funny to think that, with all of its lasting impact, rockabilly’s heyday was only about 4 years long. All the rage in the late 50s, a whose-who of country singers cut rockabilly tracks. From those just getting their feet wet (Jerry Lee Lewis, Conway Twitty, Buck Owens) to established greats (Webb Pierce, Wynn Stewart, Patsy Cline), everyone wanted a piece of this new hot sound. Well, everyone except George Jones. He was forever embarrassed by his rockabilly recordings and claimed later to use the records as frisbees whenever he came across them. Ol’ Pee Wee Trahan jumped on the same bandwagon and did a mighty fine job at it. Equal parts wild and spooky.
“Lonely Street to Hell” Johnny Pee Wee Blaine (1963)
I love country music. I really, really love creepy country music. Songs of despair and guilt and sorrow. Lonely streets, dark barrooms, decrepit motel rooms. Sin with little chance of salvation. Narrow is the gate and wide is the path to destruction. Mr. Rebel nails it on this number. Please forgive him for at least a few of the n-words.
Saturday, September 27, 2025
Spotiforgotten: Derailers “Reverb Deluxe”
Welcome to Spotiforgotten. Here I will cover great music that is sadly unavailable to stream on Spotify (or Apple, which has a nearly identical library)
As I have previously stated, nothing can piss me off quicker than an incomplete playlist. Having three-quarters of a band’s catalog available really sticks in my craw. This is doubly so when the missing album is the best one. I fucking hate licensing and copyright law.
From Austin, TX in the 1990’s came the true sound of Bakersfield. It makes sense, as Buck Owens himself was a native Texan. The Derailers captured the sound nothing less than perfectly. There was nothing fake or retro about them. While remaining true to tradition, the songs felt new and fresh. Helmed by the singer/songwriter duo of Tony Villanueva and Brian Hofeldt, The Derailers' 2nd release, Reverb Deluxe, can only be described as a flawless record. There is not a single skippable song to be found. From 2-steppin’ shuffles, to heart-wrenching ballads, to Buckaroos-style instrumentals, to a boppin’ rockabilly number, and even a song en EspaƱol. This is the apex of modern Real Country Music.
All good things must come to an end, though. Around 2005, I went again to see The Derailers live. Wait a second…Where is Tony? With a new lineup and different sound, The Derailers all but died for me that night. A Nashville songwriter by trade, Tony Villanueva had retired from the band and moved with his family to Portland, OR, to live quietly, preaching the Lord's Word. While still notches above most other bands, they have never again been able to capture the magic of what I have deemed “The Tony Years.” Reverb Deluxe is the best time capsule available from that era.
Saturday, September 6, 2025
Cowtown Crime: The Predators
This Cowtown Crime is a bit different from previous entries, as it was written entirely from memory and without references such as news articles or court documents.
The television program “Dateline: To Catch a Predator” was nothing short of a cultural phenomenon. Drawing gargantuan ratings in its original run and millions more in syndicated and online replays, an entire generation of viewers tuned in for some good, old-fashioned schadenfreude. Online vigilantes, teaming with law enforcement and blow-dried, award-winning journalist Chris Hansen, would lure a seemingly endless array of losers into a sting house under the pretense of sex with a young teen. Upon arrival, with gifts like candy or Mike’s Hard Lemonade in tow, the sorry suitors were interrogated, humiliated, and arrested. The schlubs came from all walks of life; From already registered sex offenders with cowlicks and dirty sweatpants who seemed too dumb to realize what they walked into, to school teachers and doctors who had full-blown panic attacks upon confrontation. You could actually watch the latter types die inside, in real time, as they neurotically came to terms with what was happening. The show was monstrously entertaining and has birthed an entire sub-genre of fandom, complete with wiki sites, subreddits, and YouTube channels, dedicated to all things TCAP. My own repeated viewings of this show have always brought one question to the surface: Where the fuck were these guys in Vacaville, 40 years ago?
My junior high years were frustrating, as adolescence tends to be. Puberty swept over me like a nuclear winter, lighting a series of short fuses of the explosives that were my hormones. To be in a constant state of arousal with an absolute zero chance of scoring was a state of angst that I have never known since. My particular taste in girls did not help. I fawned over the bad girls. Heavy metal types, in faded denim, moccasins, and Metallica t-shirts. That or the Mexican cholas with thick eyeliner and hair that was Aquanetted so high it added an entire foot to their height. These were the types who put out, just not for me. The fact that I was completely devoid of any charm and had no game whatsoever did not help. Also, a factor was that too many of my 13-year-old crushes were dating men in their 20s. Even at the time, this seemed creepy and weird to me. Sure, there was some bitterness and sour grapes, but even my young mind couldn’t wrap itself around the question of why the fuck was this so common and why nothing ever seemed to be done about it?
One girl my age, who was a friend (I was friend-zoned by every girl whom I lusted after), was quite the looker. We had gone to separate elementary schools, and her reputation had preceded her into junior high. She had developed early and carried herself with the full knowledge and confidence of the effects that her blossoming had on the horny males who surrounded her. At 13, she had a boyfriend of 24. He was a buffed-out, long-haired guy from Fairfield. Girls described him as having “a body that don’t quit.” I asked some other girls, with probable bitterness in my voice, why a 24-year-old would mess around with a girl of 13. “Because he’s got the body that don’t quit and he knows he can get some off if her,” was their non-answer. At the time, I couldn’t help thinking, so why not go get some off of a 20-year-old? Was it that difficult? Apparently so.
For the rocker girls, many of them straight out of “River’s Edge” or “Heavy Metal Parking Lot” statutory dating was almost par for the course. Two friends, both in the 9th grade (Freshman still attended the junior high back then), had boyfriends in their 20s. There was no scandal involved and both girls’ parents were well aware of the situation. In fact, I can’t ever recall anyone ever getting busted for this. With the way the rumor mill went, surely there would have been at least one story making the rounds. It was so common and out in the open that I don’t even remember anyone, outside of my own mind, even acknowledging that something creepy was going on.
The real inspiration for this rant was a guy, who for anonymity’s sake, I will refer to as Pinhead. Pinhead was a local fixture. If you hung around Taco Bell with the stoners, burnouts, and hacky sackers in the 1980s and '90s, you absolutely knew Pinhead. He was a filthy, often homeless guy in his mid-20s who could be seen on any given day riding his bicycle around town, often with a teenage girl on the handlebars. He was funny and likable (if you were 13 and had shit-for-brains) and the guy you could always go to if you needed someone with ID to score you a pack of smokes or a 40 ouncer. He was also fucking his way through so much illegal cooze that, to this day, I am still shocked that his face never ended up plastered on an online registry. Pinhead would not have been at all out of place sitting across the table from Chris Hansen, making up excuses over a plate of brownies and glasses of sweet tea. The guy was absolutely disgusting looking, and that’s what blew my mind the most. It’s one thing to fuck a creepy old guy, but why one who has a face like a ferret and smells like a garbage disposal? As always, I was alone in my assessment. Pinhead got more teenage action than I could have ever wished for, seemingly trading in a new ones weekly. As far as I know, he was never in any danger of being busted. I never heard of a single scandal or threat of law enforcement ever being brought up. Pinhead had a whole entourage of cretins who engaged in the same shit. One of them was a friend’s uncle, who “dated” two different girls of 14 while he, of course, was in his early 20s.
And so it went in Cowtown, for as long as I cared to live there. There was another guy who, while I wouldn’t call him a friend because I never cared for the asshole, ran in the same social circles as me. He impregnated his 12-year-old girlfriend when he was around 23. This was a guy who had no problem snagging women his own age and, once again, no one ever seemed to bat an eye at what was absolutely predatory and illegal behavior. I have no idea how common this was in other places. But, using Solano County as a model for “Anytown, USA,” I would guess it happened pretty goddamn often. I am unable to recall a single instance of a man ever being arrested or even investigated for batting in Little League when they should have stayed in Triple A.
Tuesday, July 22, 2025
Ozzy & Me
When I was but a wee lad, probably around six or seven, I saw the most terrifying image as I made my way through International Imports. It was a gimmick store in the mall, much like Spencer's if it sold cool stuff. Rock t-shirts, posters, tchotchkes, and the coolest Halloween displays ever…you get the point. The image in question was a poster containing the large visage of a crazy man with jellylike blood gushing from his mouth. It gave my little, suggestible heart the heebie-jeebies and was both fascinating and unnerving. This was my introduction to Ozzy Osbourne.
Growing up Catholic, I had preconceived notions regarding everything about Mr. Osbourne. He was a devil worshipper and a drug addict. He mutilated animals as part of his stage act. There were schoolyard rumors of all kinds about his debaucherous behavior. Some of these included pooing on the stage and licking it up or throwing a puppy into the audience then stating that the concert will not start while the dog still lives. His fans were even worse. They were the denim-clad druggies who cut the heads off of goats and arranged them in the woods with a circle of candles for their satanic rituals. They were also most likely involved in the abduction, abuse, and murder of children nationwide. Oh yeah, his appeal came quite naturally to me.
I was never a Jim Norton-esque megafan, but I could always get down to Black Sabbath. Through every “phase” I had— from metal to punk to rockabilly— Sabbath was a constant. I never outgrew them and still listen to their music regularly. On the contrary, I developed more of an appreciation for them the older I got. I never warmed up to the Dio era and am strictly an Ozzy Sabbath guy. His moaning vocals and wails of desperation are what clinched it for me. It was heavy, dark music that was too often imitated, badly most of the time.
There was a time in my life when I— naively or stupidly, or both—-embraced all things booze related. Full-blown alcoholism was something to be celebrated both viscerally and vicariously. So I sympathized, laughed at, and related to the endless stories of Ozzy’s drunken tomfoolery. I worked low-paying, dead-end jobs and still found plenty of time for rock n’ roll party shenanigans. I can only imagine what I would have done with a rockstar’s bank account. I can tell you one thing, I would have croaked a lot sooner than Ozzy did. Not to shit on his funeral, but I am shocked that he made it to 76. I can't even pretend that I lived half of the life he did, and I still managed some royal fucking damage on myself. I was throwing up blood in my mid-20s, and my remedy was to pour some beer on it and go to bed. When I finally quit 10 years later, my esophagus was raw ground beef, my liver was the size of a football, and my bladder demanded to be emptied about every 90 seconds. I can’t imagine keeping that up into AARP age. Not to mention whatever else he was washing down with the booze. He wasn't Iron Man, he was Iron Guts.
It's sad to see a legend go, but wasn't it equally depressing when he went from Satan on Earth to reality show baffoon? I am certainly glad that that whole thing died down and his awful family took their proper place in the backseat. I don't let that tarnish his legacy with me, though. I have a good knack for capturing the feelings and emotions of particular times and places. That's why I am so big on nostalgia. It's almost like time travel to me. Certain sights, smells, and always music can launch me right back into another time. A time when things made sense. A time when Ozzy was your parents’ worst nightmare, cigarettes came from machines and cost $1.50 per pack, and your local day care was operated by perverted cult members. Sing me back, Ozzy, sing me back.
Saturday, June 28, 2025
A Not-So-Complete Guide to Crime Fiction
Crime fiction is an art best left to criminals. Or reformed criminals, at least. If one has never roamed the mean streets in the panics of heroin withdrawal, looking for their next quick score, then the writing may suffer. Something about being slammed down in a dirty cell, full of a dozen other dangerous reprobates, seems to get those creative juices flowing. There is nothing like a high-speed chase followed by a shootout with police to act as a muse.
I have tried reading crime fiction written by those who had never lived it. Authors such as James Ellroy or Elmore Leonard, to me, have all the flavor of boiled cauliflower. They know how to turn a phrase but not the dials on a peeled safe. It’s hard to grip this reader in the jaws of impending death when your fangs have never grown sharp enough. There are exceptions, of course. Jim Thompson comes to mind, but for the most part, this is a genre best left to those whose classroom was a cell block rather than a lecture hall.
Each of the writers below left behind a documented criminal career along with literary trails that are, at the very least, worth a look. I will be sticking to contemporary American authors (sorry, Chopper Read), as crime fiction can be traced back as early as the sixth century.
Iceberg Slim
The Godfather of Ghetto Lit, the man may be solely responsible for hip hop’s romanticism of the trafficking of women. As with many of the writers on this list, Slim (born Robert Lee Maupin, later known as Robert Beck) began his literary career with a non-fiction memoir before delving into fiction. Possessing a genius IQ, he delivered a lettered bitch slap with his release of Pimp: The Story of My Life, written after leaving prison and the pimp game behind.
He continued to write until he died in 1992, with seven novels, two non-fiction autobiographical works, and a short story collection. Painting an unabashedly brutal portrait of street life, Trick Baby and Long White Con are highly recommended. Slim was the guy who opened the floodgates and started it all.
Donald Goines
A disciple of Iceberg Slim, Goines’ short and prolific writing career began while incarcerated in a Michigan state prison. After developing what would be a lifelong addiction to heroin during a stint in the Korean War, he turned to pimping, drug dealing, and armed robbery to support his habit. Goines knocked out an astonishing 16 novels in four years, all of them dealing with the ugly face of street life and the criminal underworld.
Donald’s newfound career would be cut short when he was murdered in 1974, along with his wife, in his own home. The shootings remain unsolved and theories for the motive range from a drug deal gone wrong to street justice meted out by criminals who were none too pleased with having their likenesses fictionalized for all to read.
Goines gets shoutouts in way too many rap songs to even attempt to count. He was, for a time, the most read author in United States prisons, and his works are cited as the first book that many incarcerated individuals had ever read. My favorites and most recommended titles of his are: Dopefiend, White Man’s Justice, Black Man’s Grief, and Black Gangster. Most of his novels have, surprisingly, never been adapted into movies. One of the two which have, Never Die Alone, produced by rapper DMX, was an odd choice, as it is Goines’ only novel with a white protagonist.
Edward Bunker
My favorite writer on this list, Bunker’s early life was a textbook example of what could go wrong in a child’s upbringing to lead them into a life of crime. Born in 1933 to absentee and alcoholic parents, he began running away and committing petty crimes at the age of five. This set him permanently down the path of being “state-raised,” with his crimes becoming more serious, resulting in longer and longer sentences. The long road of boys’ homes, juvenile hall and reformatories, to county jails and notorious California state prisons, San Quentin and Folsom, Bunker rubbed elbows with a who’s who of California outlaws— from Billy Cook and Caryl Chessman to members of the Manson Family and Mexican Mafia heavyweight Joe Morgan.
Inspired by other prison writers, Bunker authored his first novel, No Beast So Fierce, while still locked down. Its unapologetic realism blew readers’ minds and also caught the attention of Hollywood. It was adapted into a phenomenal film by Dustin Hoffman and ensured Bunker’s place in the movie industry after his parole in 1975. Unlike other notorious shitbags, like Jack Henry Abbott, he never again returned to crime and worked as an author, screenwriter, actor, and technical advisor until his death in 2005.
Recommendations of essential reading for Bunker’s works are simple: All of his novels are fantastic, so pick any one of them. Little Boy Blue and Animal Factory both the the story of a youngster’s descent into the penal system and their commitment to a life of crime when no other options are apparent. No Beast So Fierce tells the tale of a career criminal’s futile attempt at going straight. My personal favorite, Dog Eat Dog (adapted into a horrendous movie; do not waste your time watching it), tells the tale of three career goons working as a robbery crew against the backdrop of the changing 1990s criminal landscape and the looming Three Strikes Law. All of these books read like a cold shank to the ribs.
Eddie Little
Drawing from his life as a thief, con-man, and lifelong junkie, Eddie Little left behind two outstanding novels. Similar to Bunker, both works are autobiographical fiction, framing his avatar with a cast of far-out and frightening underworld hoods. Another Day in Paradise and its sequel, Steel Toes are both essential reads in this genre. Both tell tales of Bobbie, a teenage speed tweaker who is taken under the wing of an accomplished professional thief and schooled in the ways of burglary, drug pushing, and maintaining a functional heroin habit. Little’s prose, dialogue, and assortment of characters make his works stand out.
Little served several prison sentences for fraud, robbery, and drug offenses and, like the others, began to write while incarcerated. He spent virtually his entire life in the system: incarcerated, on parole, or probation. In addition to his two novels, he penned a semi-regular column, “LA Outlaw,” which ran in the L.A. Weekly. He enjoyed some success and notoriety after being published and worked for We Care, a charitable organization that delivered meals to AIDS patients. His first novel was adapted into a film, directed by Larry Clark. Never able to fully free himself from the claws of heroin addiction, Eddie died alone, at the age of 48, in a Los Angeles motel room. I have read different accounts of the cause of death, including both a heart attack and an overdose.
Dannie Martin
Shipped to Lompoc Federal Penitentiary for bank robbery, Dannie “Red Hog” Martin began to write dispatches about prison life for the tabloid-turned-newspaper San Francisco Chronicle. His articles captured the public’s attention with tales of knife fights, cruel guards, racial strife, and the havoc wreaked by AIDS behind bars. His byline earned him disciplinary action from the authorities, and Martin’s long battle for a prisoner’s right to commit journalism.
Paroled in 1992 after serving 12 of a 30-year sentence, he penned two novels, The Dishwasher and In The Hat. The former tells the story of an ex-con forced back into criminal streets to avenge a rape. The latter is a bizzare story about a white pimp and cock-fighter who runs afoul of the powers-that-be. Both are solid, in my opinion.
Martin was able to remain drug-free and out of trouble for the rest of his life. He continued writing, not always for publication, until his passing in 2013 from heart failure at the age of 74.
Ralph “Sonny” Barger
Often erroneously credited as the founder, Barger was, without a doubt, the most visible member of the notorious Hells Angels Motorcycle Club. A native of Oakland, California, he ran amok on the highways from his late teens on, freewheeling and raising hell, after a short stint in the army. His criminal record stretched back to at least 1957, and he served several stints in both the state and federal systems.
Enjoying a dual life as both an outlaw and pop-culture celebrity, Sonny’s writing career began with the release of his autobiography in 2001. Additional non-fiction works and two novels would follow. Dead in 5 Heartbeats and 6 Chambers, 1 Bullet both deal with— you guessed it— outlaw motorcycle clubs and the chaotic world that can envelope its members. The books are fun reads where the bikers are the good guys and the dirty, stinking rats are the villains. At times, both novels can fall into intrigue and action that starts to seem cheesy until you remember that the author is a man who clearly knows the subject matter at hand. Far be it from me to criticize his credibility. I ain’t gonna go there and get myself rat-packed. No, sir!
Sanyika Shakur, aka “Monster” Kody Scott
Shakur’s Monster: The Autobiography of an L.A. Gang Member absolutely rocked my world upon first reading it as a teenager. My suburban sensibilities were in awe of the ghetto horror show that was his memoir. Joining the Eight Tray Gangster Crips at age 11, Scott committed murder and mayhem with such disregard that the stories would certainly seem exaggerated, had they not mostly been verified by sources both in law enforcement and on the streets. His matter-of-fact prose bites your head right off, despite his annoying habit of misusing words like “overstand.” From his days as a young banger, to achieving OG status as Monster, to finding Black Nationalism in prison and rechristening himself as Sanyika Shakur. Obviously inspired by The Autobiography of Malcolm X, this book is a must-read for all aficionados of crime lit.
Too bad it was all downhill from there. The lack of quality in everything else of his that I have read leads me to suspect that the autobiography was, at least partially, ghostwritten. Case in point, T.H.U.G L.I.F.E, his solo attempt at street fiction. I don’t want to delve too deep into the negative. This is supposed to be about recommended reading, after all. And I do recommend it, solely based on the author himself and his undeniable talent for storytelling. I did find it disappointing and lacking in the knowledge that Shakur seemed so fond of flexing. Remove his name from the cover, and it’s just another attempted Donald Goines clone, only with name-dropped rappers.
His final act was much sadder. In spite of his homage to Black Nationalism, Shakur remained active in gang politics and was rumored to be addicted to crack cocaine. He was found dead in a homeless encampment in San Diego in 2021. The cause of death is listed as a stroke. He was 57 years old. I can’t be alone when I say that I feel an enormous amount of talent was wasted.
Honorable Mention: Iain Levison
He wasn’t a criminal; he was just a working stiff. Either way, he belongs on this list. A transplant to the US from Scotland, Levison writes not of certifiable bad guys, but more of Class A fuck ups. His three novels, Since the Layoffs, How to Rob an Armored Car, and Dog Eats Dog, are a more lighthearted romp on the wrong side of the law. All of them deal with down-on-their-luck worker bees getting in way over their heads when they decide to break bad. This is top-notch stuff.
Wednesday, May 28, 2025
Better Call Paul: Life as a Serial Crank Caller
For as long as I had been physically able to pick up a telephone and dial a number, I had been making crank phone calls. I can still remember my first ones. I would have been around 5 or 6 years old. Shakey’s Pizza Parlor was a large family fun establishment that resembled a tavern. It was dark and loud inside. In between the front door and another door to the restaurant was a small lobby containing a pay phone. I would sneak away from my family’s table and dial “0” for the operator. I would tell her to fuck herself when she answered then hang up. I would then go stand by the door, laughing maniacally, while the phone rang and rang with the operator attempting to report me to my parents
This kind of cerebral behavior continued all through my childhood, teens, and well into adulthood. My older brothers were both crank call virtuosos, especially the one closest to me in age, Michael. We would regularly spend entire evenings making crank calls. Gathering up a phone book and locking his door, we would go to work. A typical call would have been calling people as pizza delivery places and stubbornly asking them to clarify their orders.
“Hi we got the orders mixed up. What was on your pizza?”
“I didn’t order a pizza.”
“Okay, pepperoni…”
“No, I never ordered a pizza.”
“Great! And extra cheese and mushrooms…”
I didn’t order a pizza! You have the wrong number!!”
“…and sausage and poop.” Hilarity ensued.
Something else my brother would do would be to dial a number for a crank then hand the phone off to me. The hijinx came to a halt when my grandmother answered on the other end. I would either hang up or play it off like I was just calling to say ‘hi.’
Our older brother, Dan, would occasionally get in on the action. He’d have full-on hysteric meltdowns while directing Michael to make more and more calls. Everything was funnier when Dan was involved.
One time, the pranks went beyond the telephone. Dan was babysitting my brother and I while Mom was out. He had invited his friend, Steve, over and they got a brilliant idea. We were already ordering pizza for dinner, so why not tie Joey up and leave him in the background when we answer the door? They strapped me to a chair with ropes and belts then blacked and blued my eyes with some of my mother’s makeup. A gag in my mouth was the final touch.
The pizza dude came to the door and I acted my part in the background—struggling with my bonds, flopping around, and letting go a few muffled yelps for help. We all had a good laugh until the cops showed up a few minutes later. We were lucky it was only one, who was kind enough to knock, and not a whole battalion kicking down the fucking door. Michael wanted no part of it and locked himself in the bathroom. Dan and I were able to diffuse the whole situation and explain that it was just a stupid prank and show the officer the makeup we had used. We all breathed a collective ‘holy shit’ and agreed that we wouldn’t breathe a word of this to Mom.
The next day my grandpa was picking me up from school. As we walked to his car he nonchalantly said, “So, Joe, how about we tie you up and order a pizza?”
I gave him the most wide-eyed, how-in-the-world-can-you-possibly-know-that look and stuttered in my non-response. He just smiled and seemed to get a serious kick out of it all. Apparently, the neighbors had inquired to my mother the next day about why the police were at our apartment. She confronted Dan and he spilled the beans. None of us got into any trouble for that. Such was life with us.
I continued to regularly make crank calls. I would do it alone or with friends. I would call from home and pay phones. I liked calling 411 and asking for stupid numbers.
“Information, can I help you?”
“Yes. Hell, please. The number for Satan?”
I would crank call churches and ask if they delivered. I need an order of forgiveness ASAP. There was a teenaged former babysitter from Fairfield whom I hated. I made so many crank calls and left so many obscene messages to her that she began threatening to find out who I was, track me down, and “break my little butt in half.”
I learned how to phreak free calls from pay phones by calling the operator and not disconnecting. When the dial tone came back on you could call anywhere in the world, at no charge.
After my mom was given a pager for her job, I discovered that the prefix along with any four numbers would dial up other pagers. I called hundreds of them, leaving the numbers of friends and enemies alike, all with a ‘911’ message attached. When pagers became a trendy accessory in junior high, I would dial those that belonged to friends and enter random numbers of other friends, often their ex-girlfriends, but sometimes people who had no connection to them at all. I was a non-stop terror on the telephone and there was no end in sight.
Around 1994 I was given a number to prank by some friends from out of state. It was a toll-free number that was extremely easy to memorize. They told me that they had called it so much that the guy on the other end had blocked all calls from their area. I should give it a try. You don’t have to twist my fucking arm.
The number belonged to an older chap named Paul. I began calling him regularly. If there was a pay phone in sight, I was on the horn to Paul. I would put on a ridiculous old man voice and have conversations with him for as long as possible before delving into homosexual passes. This went on for YEARS and he always—always— took the bait.
“Hiya, Paul. How’s it hangin’?”
“Hey George, how you doing?”
“Oh man, my back has been killing me, that old arthritis acting up. It would feel a whole lot better if you rubbed it for me.”
“Huh?”
“You can run my back, Paul. Then slide your hands down my pants. Grab my wrinkled old pole.”
“This isn’t George. Who is this?”
“Come on, Paul, I want your meat in my mouth…”
And on it went. Sophisticated, intelligent stuff, I know. I used the old man voice, an Arab accent, a Mexican accent, all horribly, and he answered and stayed on the line every single time. He would threaten that he had reported me and the cops were going to track me down and I would get into big trouble. I called him as “Detective GG Allin” of the Obscene Phone Call Unit of the SFPD. He was happy to give a statement until I told him that I wanted to lick his butthole. I am seriously starting to hate the idea of writing this down because I sound like a total psychopath.
Poor Paul had had enough. Eventually he began blocking the numbers from every area code that I was calling from. Any time I was out of state or on vacation, I made a point of always locating a pay phone and calling Paul. I have no idea how the call blocking worked, but the ban would always be lifted after a short while and it was back to calling Paul.
Don’t get me wrong, I made other calls, too. Into adulthood and what was supposed to be responsibility, I began buying prepaid calling cards, all for the purpose of bypassing newer innovations such as caller ID and *69. I was a huge fan of all things prank calls: The Tube Bar Tapes, The Jerky Boys, Crank Yankers, Howard Stern, The Touch-Tone Terrorist, The Phone Losers of America…it was all gold to me.
I had begun recording my calls with equipment purchased from Radio Shack. They never turned out quite as side-splitting as I had hoped, but a few I was proud of. When I called an adoption agency and acted like a member of NAMBLA, a friend told me he wanted to take a shower after listening to it. I got the number for a biker bar in rural Georgia and demanded that they keep everyone else from smoking while my boyfriend and I came in for a cocktail on our vacation from California. I was 30 going on 11. All of those tapes were lost when I had to abandon my car on the side of a road in Texas. That’s another story, though.
Little by little my interest in making calls waned and pay phones slowly disappeared. Cell phones started popping up literally everywhere and every new telephone had a caller ID built right in. I made my last call to Paul sometime in 2011, while waiting for a friend at a bus station. For the first time ever, he wasn’t home. Some recent sleuthing revealed that he had died that same year at the age of 94. Rest easy, old friend.
Whatever the psychological profile is for the habitual crank caller, I don’t know nor care. I still often revel in my past and I listen to other people’s prank calls on an almost daily basis. I am very happy that there is an available trove of these online. Art should never be lost, and that’s what I consider crank calling to be. Greats like Re-Pete or Sal & Richard took their craft to the big time. I was like a garage band who never played any real gigs, only small, private parties.






