Fake Punk Rock is Punk as Fuck

    

   Have you ever been walking down a dark street, possibly through an alleyway, only to be accosted by a gang of punk rockers? They would be sporting mohawks (too wide and never properly shaved) and possibly some glitter makeup or lightning bolts on their faces scrawled in eyeliner. Out flicks a switchblade, and they demand your wallet. A cheesy soundtrack blares from a boombox, framing the entire scenario. The songs are brutal, fast, nihilistic, and hilarious. 

   A staple of (mostly) 1980s film and television, the archetype thug punker and the accompanying music are unforgettable. Sometimes central to the plot, sometimes not, but always entertaining. I’ve done my best to compile a short list of my favorite fake punk rock songs. Extra points because these were composed specifically for the projects, giving us a Hollywood interpretation of what was supposed to be punk. All the depictions are spot on and 100% accurate. 

“Next Stop Nowhere” - Mayhem

From the television show Quincy, ME (1982), our title character investigates the death of a teenager at a punk rock gig. Quincy is appalled by the senseless carnage he finds, especially the lead act, Mayhem. If you were to go out tonight to a local club and pay your $25— or whatever the fuck they are charging for gigs these days— and suffer through every single opening band, none would be as listenable as Mayhem. The song is a pretty tight anthem of disaffection. And you will NEVER find a look more punk than the duel pigtails on the top of the singer’s head. Poseurs beware.  

“I Dig Pain” - Pain

If I were pressed to name the greatest actor of my entire generation, William Forsythe would easily top the list. He ranks only slightly behind Harry Dean Stanton. In an episode of CHiPs (1982), Forsythe plays Thrasher, frontman of the hardcore band Pain. They are just as antisocial, but far more dangerous-looking than Mayhem. It’s easy to assume that Pain was modeled after the legendary band Fear. Pain disrupts a local “Battle of the Bands” before Ponch & John intervene, thwart the evil plot, and boogie down to some real music: Disco. 

“I Hate You” - Edge of Etiquette

 

In Star Trek IV (1986), while voyaging home, Captain Kirk and Co. make a pit stop in modern-day San Francisco. While riding a bus, they encounter what every San Franciscan is most concerned about: an annoying punk rocker, playing his music way too loud. It’s another killer song composed by studio musicians. Like the previous entries, it contains no social commentary or political soapboxing. Just unbridled frustration and rage. Spock is offended and promptly Vulcan grips the punk into oblivion. I would have loved to see Nimoy run rampant in the age of cell phones and Bluetooth speakers. Now THAT would be entertaining. 

“Pulling on the Boots” - John Clifford White

The film Romper Stomper (1992) has Russell Crowe leading a gang of neo-Nazi skinheads, running rampant in Melbourne. They live like the biggest losers on the planet, a far cry from the pillars of racial superiority they claim to be. It’s a great and brutal film that is scored by some of the most authentic studio-created punk to ever grace the screen. Attempting to replicate the sounds of RAC Oi bands like Skrewdriver or Skullhead, White (appropriately named) gets the sound pretty close. I remember this soundtrack making the rounds among many punks when it came out years ago. 

Honorable Mention: “Slip Into the Crowd” - 39 Steps

In the nearly perfect Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), a neurotic Mickey Sachs takes the black sheep sister of his ex-wife, Holly, out on a date. This is one of the greatest scenes ever put to film. The band and song are both authentic, but this one had to be included. 

The Non-racist Tracks of Johnny Rebel

   

 Clifford Joseph Trahan, known the world over as Johnny Rebel, cemented his place in musical infamy with a series of recordings made in the turbulent 1960s. As the kids say, if you know, you know. These records might be considered offensive to some readers and funny to others. Some may find them to be both at the same time. Whatever the case, they have already been extensively written about far better than I can do, so I’ll keep that part of his career brief.

   From 1966 to 1970, he cut several singles on the Reb Rebel label out of Crowley, Louisiana. After a few listens, one might have a moment and say, “Holy smokes, these songs are racist!” Mr. Trahan/Rebel would later claim to have never been a member of the Ku Klux Klan or any such organization and was only trying to cash in on the tumultuous times, recording what he referred to as “party records.” The records fell into obscurity only to later be revived by bootleg recordings, The Howard Stern Show, and, even later, internet music file-sharing sites and YouTube. I first heard these songs as a high school freshman on a tape that sounded like a dub of a dub of a dub. Trahan would never perform these songs live and would resume his attempted career as a recording artist. And goddamn, if he didn’t lay down some bangers! Here, I present to you my favorite non-racist tracks cut by Johnny Rebel. All were recorded under various pseudonyms. 

“The Garden Song” Filthy McNasty (no release date available)

A playful yarn about a man feuding with his neighbor. After settling the score by sneaking into his garden to stomp, defecate, and masturbate on his nemesis’s vegetables, he goes home to discover said neighbor bedding down with his wife. This song is toe-tapping funny, containing such lines as: “I fucked up his eatin’ and he ate up my fuckin’…”

“Pop Top Cans” Johnny Blaine (1969)

What country singer would be worth a shit without recording a good ol’ fashioned drinking song? This number tells the tale of a hard-working, heartbroken man looking to drown his sorrows in some cold suds. This song would not seem at all out of place being sung by other honky tonkers like Faron Young, Vernon Oxford, or Conway Twitty. 

“Keep A Workin’ Big Jim” Johnny Rebel (1967)

Trahan’s ode to New Orleans District Attorney and OG crackpot Jim Garrison. Garrison was the only person to ever bring an indictment against someone for conspiring to murder President John F. Kennedy. The shoddy case against Louisiana businessman Clay Shaw would end in an acquittal and forever mar Garrison’s reputation, tagging him as a corrupt nutjob. Written two years before Shaw’s trial and 23 years before Oliver Stone would immortalize the case in a wacky and wildly entertaining movie.  

“Black Magic” Jericho Jones (1959) 

It’s funny to think that, with all of its lasting impact, rockabilly’s heyday was only about 4 years long. All the rage in the late 50s, a whose-who of country singers cut rockabilly tracks. From those just getting their feet wet (Jerry Lee Lewis, Conway Twitty, Buck Owens) to established greats (Webb Pierce, Wynn Stewart, Patsy Cline), everyone wanted a piece of this new hot sound. Well, everyone except George Jones. He was forever embarrassed by his rockabilly recordings and claimed later to use the records as frisbees whenever he came across them. Ol’ Pee Wee Trahan jumped on the same bandwagon and did a mighty fine job at it. Equal parts wild and spooky. 

“Lonely Street to Hell” Johnny Pee Wee Blaine (1963)

I love country music. I really, really love creepy country music. Songs of despair and guilt and sorrow. Lonely streets, dark barrooms, decrepit motel rooms. Sin with little chance of salvation. Narrow is the gate and wide is the path to destruction. Mr. Rebel nails it on this number. Please forgive him for at least a few of the n-words.